A Little Mid-Week Comedy

Hey Fabulous Ones,

I found something that was hilarious and I thought I would share it with you fellow G.O.G.'s. It is from a popular blog "Stuff Christians Like." I found this post entitled "Stuff Christians Say" to be so funny and ironically, sooo true and I thought I would pass the laughter along :-D

So here it goes...stuff we Christians say and do all the time. These have become apart of the church's popular culture and vernacular, some of which are far over-used, poorly used, and well...just plain silly!

Enjoy the list!

Stuff Christians Like:

1.#528. Calling someone "anointed."
This is perhaps the highest compliment you can pay someone in the world of Christianity. It’s the polar opposite of saying, “God bless her,” which is just a nice way to cover your tracks after you’ve verbally annihilated someone behind their back. The word anointed is designed to indicate that the oil of God, the “major mojo,” if you’ll allow me to get theological with you for a minute, has been poured all over someone. They are blessed. They are getting the pure, unadulterated God fire hose.

Unfortunately, although we can all agree on what it generally means, there’s no chart or checklist that allows us to reach consensus on whether a person is actually worthy of the label “anointed.” I’m sure different denominations approach it in different ways and that we could squabble for centuries about an official process to figure out who is anointed.

Or we could use the Stuff Christians Like Anointed Algorithm.It’s pretty simple, really. Here it is:“A person’s potential to be considered ‘anointed’ is directly related to your desire to dislike them and your inability to fulfill that desire.”

2. #511. Feeling slightly guilty for telling people "good luck!"
"Good luck with the 10K this weekend!"

Well, I mean, I don't personally believe in luck, but you might. I believe that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. But how am I supposed to say that to you, my colleague from work, in the break room?

"I hope God works all things for the good of those who love him this weekend at your 10K race!"

That's a mouthful, but seriously, I probably shouldn't be saying "good luck." Some Christians don't even say "Pot Lucks." They call them "Pot Blessings" which kind of sounds like the headline from an issue of the marijuana magazine "High Times" but I'm only digging myself into a deeper hole of awkwardness at this point.

Would it be weird if I told you "Have a blessed 10K?" Does that make me sound like I’m the kind of person that would throw holy water on you during the race or hand you communion wine at one of those drink stands along the course instead of Gatorade? And do I have to over pronounce the "ed" at the end of that word like some people do? Do I say “blessed” like I would say “messed” or do I need to pronounce it "bless-ed." I always feel like some random guy named Ed is getting hooked up when people do that.

This is getting so complicated. From here on out, I'm dropping luck, I'm dropping bless-ed and am just going to say "Yay running!" and throw both hands into the air with spirit fingers.

3. #494. Sin Synonyms – Pretty ways to say an ugly word
I am afraid you will think I am a weird Christian.

Word choice.There are several words that I am subconsciously softening in order to not sound like a sweaty, weird Christian. I wrote a post once about how we love to say "the enemy" instead of "satan." And as popular as that word switch is, I recently stumbled on one I do even more often than saying “the enemy.” I’m talking about the word “sin."

Is sin just not a topic I cover? Not at all. I deal with it all the time and honestly share what's going on in my own life. I just use synonyms because I think that if I say “sin” some folks will label me a traditional fundamentalist super Christian Bible belter.Here are the words I use instead:junk, struggles, failures, mistakes, baggage, issues, hang ups, problems, challenges...

I don't think it's a big deal to use synonyms. I think God gives us a wide, colorful vocabulary to express our gratitude and that as communicators we have to constantly be conscious of the way we reach people. But if I'm using my words to look better than I really am or trying to be someone I'm really not, that's not cool. That's junk or baggage or maybe even sin.

4. Saying "bless her heart."
BHHS, “bless her heart syndrome,” is when you verbally slam, gossip or attack someone else and then try to save face by throwing in a comment like “bless her heart.” In the south I’ve heard it called “giving someone a piece of vinegar pie.”

The fake kindness in comments like that is easy to point out, but the reality is that sometimes other Christians are better at disguising it. Sometimes people, including me, will be a little more subtle at executing Bless Her Heart Syndrome. Here are four other variations you need to watch out for:
- “I don’t mean to be ugly”
Sure you do and you know you’re about to be ugly or else you wouldn’t have thrown out that disclaimer at the start of the sentence.

- “In Christian Love”
Most of the time people do the BHHS behind your back. But sometimes, they’ll drop some BHHS right in your lap. For instance, if anyone says, “I hope you can receive this in Christian love,” get ready to be hated on. Seriously, no one ever says, “I hope you can receive this in Christian love, but you’re doing a really good job leading that ministry” or “I find the dresses you wear to church to be both appropriate and awesome.” It’s usually an insult thinly veiled as advice or love. Not always, but usually.

- “God laid this on my heart”
Oh snap, you just threw God under the bus. (I find myself saying “Oh snap” a lot lately, perhaps as a tribute to Biz Markie?) You just prefaced something mean you’re about to say about somebody by blaming it on God. And although I do think that sometimes God gives us messages for other people, I have a hard time believing He ever asks us to gossip about other people, “I need you to be a jerk for me. I need you to be my rod of punkitude. I need you to be my vessel of gossip.”

5. Disguising gossip as prayer.
We’ve all either heard somebody do this or done this ourselves. In the middle of a prayer circle, someone will raise their hand with a prayer request and then proceed to gossip about somebody else. Usually it sounds like this:

“I want to lift my friends Charlie and Sandra up. Sandra caught Charlie looking at pornography online and he yelled at her for running up all their credit cards. And you know their son got kicked out of school for getting drunk and doing the African Anteater Dance from the movie ‘Can’t Buy Me Love’ at the homecoming dance. So I really just want to pray for them.”

It’s completely bogus and I’m sure that when God hears stuff like that He wants to throw a lightning bolt down at us, and not just a regular one, some sort of super lightning bolt coated with tigers and switchblades.

6. #405. Saying, "The Bible" when asked what your favorite book is.
I should say "Bible" when someone asks me what my favorite book is. That's what you're supposed to say if you're a Christian. But everyone knows that, what about the harder questions? What do you say when people ask you the desert island question or the "who would you have dinner with" question? What then? How do you navigate that conversation? I suggest the following answers:
1. What are your two favorite books?
"The Old Testament and the New Testament."

2. Right, but what about other books?
"CS Lewis." (Regardless of if you have ever read any, just name drop Lewis. Works like a charm.)

3. OK, how about fiction?
"Chronicles of Narnia or Lord of the Rings. This Present Darkness is pretty good too."

4. What about favorite movie?"That's a tie between the Passion of the Christ, Facing the Giants and Braveheart. The TBS edited version of course."

5. What would you take with you on a desert island?"The Bible and CS Lewis."

6. He's dead though.
"Not on this island he isn't."

7. Fine, then what three people living or dead would you go out to dinner with? And don't say Jesus, you're going to spend eternity with him, surely you can go get baby back ribs with someone else.
"That's a tough one. How about Moses, Paul and Zack Morris."

8. Zack Morris isn't real. That's just a character played by Mark Paul-Gosselaar on the show Saved by the Bell.

7. #291. Saying "I was just flipping channels" when you watch something you shouldn't.
This is one of my favorite things ever. I like to call it the "Christian disclaimer." Have you ever heard one of these? Have you ever said one of these?

I have.It's not just restricted to television though. I use it most often when it comes to music. I have confessed several, several times that I like rap. And sometimes I listen to songs on the radio that I just don't think good Christians should listen to. For instance, there's a song out right now that Kanye West does a cameo on and it's pretty vulgar. So if I was going to tell my Bible study guys about it, I might say something like:

"The other day I was quickly flipping through the radio when I heard a snippet of a song by Kanye West. It was pretty wild."

Hahahaaaaha!! Funny right?? And sadly...true. :D

Hope you laughed as much as I did!

More FaBeauty fashion break-down's and tips to come! Stay tuned!


xoxo,
FaBeauty